My Experience
An older friend of mine struggled with memory problems for more than a year. Many people urged her to get tested. She became angry that we even suggested something might be wrong.
One day, I received a call from her doctor’s office. Her physician gave her a choice: go to the hospital with the police or go willingly with me to the emergency department. She chose to go with me. From the hospital, she moved into a memory care facility, where she is now flourishing.
Why Are Older Adults Seemingly So Stubborn—and What Can You Do About It?
I work with many clients who appear stubborn. They refuse to give up their car when it’s clear they can no longer drive safely. They avoid seeing their health care provider for serious concerns, often saying, “What can she do about it anyway?” or “It’s nothing.” They continue carrying laundry to the basement even when doing so puts them at risk.
You probably know someone like this. In fact, studies show that 77% of adult children believe their parents are stubborn. Why does this happen?
Reasons for Stubbornness
Dementia or Memory Issues: Dementia often prevents people from recognizing their own cognitive decline. The condition itself can also increase rigidity and resistance.
Need for Independence: No one wants to hear that they can no longer do things they’ve managed their entire life. That loss feels deeply personal and painful.
Control and Role Reversal: When an adult child tells a parent what they can or cannot do, long-standing family roles flip. Parents who once made decisions for the family may struggle to relinquish that authority.
Fear of Change: Change feels intimidating at any age. Whether it’s a new living arrangement or something as small as installing a grab bar, decades of routine, combined with cognitive decline can make change feel overwhelming.
When you identify the root cause of stubbornness, you can respond in ways that respect everyone’s needs and lead to better solutions.
What Can You Do About It?
Pick your battles. Arguing over low-fat milk matters far less than addressing unsafe driving. If your parent already feels defensive, pushing big changes will only increase resistance.
Focus on the impact on others. Instead of saying, “You need to give up the keys because I say so,” explain how unsafe driving could harm them or someone else. If they ignore medical advice, talk honestly about how losing them would affect you.
Enlist trusted allies. Your parent may tune you out due to “ear fatigue.” Identify someone they trust; a health care provider, clergy member, friend, or other family member and ask that person to help start the conversation.
Offer choices and include them in decisions. Avoid dictating a specific move or solution. Instead, research options together, whether that means staying at home with support or exploring different living arrangements.
Contact Adult Protective Services (APS) if necessary. Your Area Agency on Aging can help you locate APS in your community. Use this option only as a last resort, when someone needs immediate intervention such as starting kitchen fires, wandering due to dementia, showing violent behavior, or expressing suicidal thoughts. In extreme emergencies, calling 911 remains an appropriate way to prevent serious harm.
What Works Best of All?
This list doesn’t cover every situation, but it offers a solid starting point. As with most interpersonal challenges, open and respectful communication makes the biggest difference. Yelling, threatening, or name-calling rarely leads to change. Compassion, active listening, and a willingness to compromise create far better outcomes for everyone involved.
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