Do you ever get the feeling that your older parent isn’t being truthful with you when you notice something is not right? You are not alone. Here are common things people lie about and why and some ideas to get to the truth and fix the situation.
What People Lie About
- Bruising: Have you noticed bumps and bruises on the top of their head or other strange places? This could indicate falling or abuse but the older adult will tell you a book fell from the shelf or there was an open cabinet. If this happens more than once in a short period of time this should send up some red flags.
- Financial Issues: They did not ‘receive’ the electric bill for several months and the electricity was cut off. They need to go to the bank frequently for a cash withdrawal or purchase several gift cards to stores they don’t often frequent. They had plenty of money but now seem to be penniless.
- Driving Issues: There are creases and scrapes on their car and the number of small dings seems to increase. When questioned they will tell you they were hit in a parking lot when they were in a store.
- Food issues: Eating microwave popcorn as a meal or daily trips to a fast food restaurant when they always cooked are a sign of inability to prepare food or lack of appetite.
- Socialization issues: A once social person almost never goes out anymore and their friends may even be calling you to find out why.
The Root Cause of Why Lying Occurs
- Bruising: Of course the most concerning issue is abuse by another family member or caregiver. If you suspect abuse, you will want to call Adult Protective Services for advice. Another cause is falling. This could be due to a medication mixture, unsteadiness or pain.
- Financial Issues: Having trouble with finances, such as paying bills in a timely manner, is one of the first signs of dementia. Extortion of seniors is a multi-billion dollar industry. The worst instances drain someone’s savings and they are penniless. Most of the extortionists don’t even live in America and are hard to find. AI is making it harder to tell what is real and what is computer generated.
- Driving Issues: Memory or coordination or vision issues can make driving difficult.
- Food Issues: Memory issues, digestive problems, depression, medication conflicts, and pain can all contribute to food issues.
- Socialization Issues: Cognitive problems make it harder to follow conversations and depression contributes to socialization issues for every age.
Why People Lie
- Dementia: Dementia may cause people to lie to cover up their shortcomings. It is possible they believe the lie to build an understandable narrative in their head.
- Desire to remain independent: People may think if they confess to their issues, their family will force them to move from their home.
- Embarrassment: It is embarrassing to admit you can no longer do the things you once could, or that you fell pray to a scheme, or are being abused.
- Role reversal: You are now taking care of your parent who raised you.
- Depression: Not caring about yourself and thinking that no one else cares either.
What to do if you suspect lying
Be honest about what you are seeing. Let them know you want them to be as independent as possible for as long as possible. Being independent means being safe in your home, safe from harm; physical, mental, financial and social harm.
If you notice changes that can indicate cognitive, physical, vision, medication or depression issues, start with the person’s primary care provider. They will evaluate any changes and send the person for tests or to specialists who can improve their quality of life or diagnose problems early.
If you think there are extorsion issues, see a banker, lawyer or financial advisor for a way forward to proceed. Make sure credit is frozen immediately. Your local attorney general is also helpful.
If driving is a concern, have a driving test done by a third party and both of you agree to abide by whatever the results are, regardless of what each of you think the outcome should be.
What not to do? Do not treat your relative like a child. No one wants to be lectured and treated with disrespect. Plus, it will get you no where.
Do not be afraid to reach out to a professional for help. So often an older person will take direction from a doctor or financial advisor, and spiritual leader even if the family has said the same exact thing. Social workers are also a tremendous resource for families.
Approach every conversation with compassion and concern but also with rationality verses extreme emotion. Do unto other as you would have them do to you.