In the Israeli comedy/drama Shtisel, the matriarch has fallen down a flight of stairs and is in a coma. Both sons rush to her bedside. One son lives near her in Israel and does everything for her, and the other has lived in Belgium for over a decade and has not seen his mother since he moved. When the mother awakes from the coma, she is so happy to see her son who abandoned her, and ignores and even hates her son who does everything for her. The caregiving son is downtrodden.
This scenario is no joke. I have seen many times that the adult child who gives up so much of their lives to help their parent is hated by that parent while the other siblings who can’t or don’t take care of them are beloved. Why is this?
Reasons for hating the dedicated family caregiver
- Familiarity breeds contention. Too much closeness can lead to a strained relationship.
- No one wants to be told what to do, especially by a child.
- Caregivers take away common tasks like driving and pill taking, making the person feel inadequate
- Violation of privacy/doing intimate tasks. People may resent that they need to be bathed and toileted by someone close to them.
- Dementia. Someone may not understand why restrictions are put upon them.
- The building a positive image in their mind of a child they do not see often. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
This issue of being hated by a dedicated family caregiver is not discussed. In fact, I could find very few articles online about the issue.
What can be done to improve relationships
- Have the other siblings do more when possible.
- Have the other siblings voice strong support for hard decisions. For example, if the car needs to be taken away, have every sibling express support, and be involved in that decision.
- Take a break. Do things every day that make you happy, even if that means hiring someone to give you a break.
- If dementia is involved, know that the disease is speaking, not your parent. Tell yourself that often.
- Understand that your parent will not live forever and you will feel comforted knowing you gave it your all.
- Make sure the non-involved siblings speak positively of you when they hear complaints. You should never hear, “Oh I agree she is a witch.”
Final Thoughts
Giving up your life, or part of it, only to be hated by the person you made such a large sacrifice for is disheartening. It makes your job as caregiver so much harder. Don’t give up. Your parent needs you. Unless you are being physically abused or severely mentally abused, you should stick with this, because there is little alternative. Hire someone part of the day or week if you can to avoid burnout. Do something for you every day, even if it is to have a cup of coffee in peace.
When your parent passes away, you will have the understanding that you did everything you could, to the best of your ability. The relationship you shared with them is irreplaceable.