People (mostly women) who have to do it all
Too often I see adult children, especially women, who work full-time, take care of their house and children and their older parents and think they need to do all these things by themselves. Asking for help is admitting that they are not perfect. The reality is that asking for help makes you human.
I have found when I try to take on too many things I fall way short for everyone, especially me. My family’s needs are met most times but barely – hello pizza dinner a few times a week. My work demands more time and attention and any volunteer work is met with questions of why I signed up if I can’t fulfill my obligations. All this leaves me feeling woefully inadequate and I find I compare myself to others who seem to have it all together.
The myth, whatever the cause, is unattainable. There are still only 24 hours in one day and all creatures need sleep. Once I get calls for help from potential clients of The Extra Daughter, family members are close to tears. They are stretched so thin that they are completely stressed out.
Sometimes the reason for such stress is because their parents age. What worked a year ago with parents living independently does not work for today. As we age and continue to live independently, our needs increase. Maybe the older relative could drive to most appointments except those downtown and now they really shouldn’t be driving at all. This change in them causes their family to take on more responsibility.
Here are some tips to help you deal with finding the time to help your elderly parents.
Decide when it is important for you to show up. We have several clients who have us take them to routine appointments but family members take them to see doctors to get a diagnosis after testing or to speak to a medical professional when something seems off.
Look around for other people who can help. Can a sibling pay bills, even if they live out of state? Can someone else check in a few times a week? Maybe a college aged grandchild can call twice a week.
Pay for help. Picking up groceries, meals or driving to places can all be done by companies. Most grocery stores have online ordering and delivery. There are several online restaurant delivery services or Meals on Wheels. A multitude of companies exist to help older adults with a variety of needs.
Let some things go. Yes your father loves homemade pie weekly from a bakery that is a twenty minute drive or your mother’s favorite hair stylist is closer to her old house in another county. They may need to compromise and give up these things for new bakeries or salons or do them less frequently.
What to do if they protest
Too often someone calls me for help then later tells me that their parent only wants them to help and our services are not wanted by the older adult. This is tough and fills you with guilt. Although this is your parent who raised you, sometimes you have to set up boundaries. Let them know you have X amount of time per day or per week and stick to it. Let them decide how they are going to spend your limited time. This will give them some feeling of control but still limit the amount of time you spend doing things for them. If they need more of you than you are willing or able to give, you need to talk to your aging parent about hiring someone.
The joy of reducing your time helping your parent
I have heard from client’s families about how wonderful it is to spend their limited time with their parents on enjoyable activities. No longer are they using their time to sit in waiting rooms or prepare meals, but they can actually visit or go places with their relative and relax around them. The adult children are less stressed and they find the relationship is better. Less really is more.
picture: Pixabay